Anthropomorphic Aardvarks, Dear Reader!
by levlylove
Summary: Sometimes you find friendship in the unlikeliest of places.


Author's note: If you have not heard of "Wizard People, Dear Reader" or "Spiders and Snakes, Dear Reader," I strongly recommend checking them on YouTube. Besides being absolutely awesome, what you are about to read is heavily influenced by these.

I should also point out that this is an exchange between my brother and myself over Facebook messenger, where we were just posting random crap in the style of Dear Reader; this is why much of it seems disjointed for the most part.

Enjoy, dear reader!

* * *

D.W. is talking to Arthur about the benefits of sleeping in footie pajamas when sleeping which she sure loves doing.

But behold, for Arthur produces his own pair of footie pajamas, saying "let's sleep this sh*t up."

But DW says "No, I would rather sleep barefoot so I can see my ten toes."  
But tonight, Arthur is tolerating no f-ks.

Chapter Three  
Artie R and Ball Buster strut through the school as excited whispers about the guy he murdered pass from student to student. An unfortunate kid tries to tackle Arthur in the hallway as he talks with Buster, only to find his attack ineffective. Artie holds out his hand, about to rip the guy's f**king heart out of his chest as he begs for forgiveness. Arthur says to him "Well... I have a heart. Which is more than what I can say for you." Before tearing it out of his chest and making him look at it.  
Ball Buster just laughs a hearty laugh.

After school, Arthur lies on his bed contemplating the mysteries of this world he lives in. "How do I have a friend who is a dog, but then I also have a pet dog that doesn't speak and s-ts everywhere? I mean, f-k! Doesn't that f-k Binky up every time he comes round here?"

"And sh*t," continues Arthur, "I have f**king bear friends and f**king monkey friends and we see those locked up every time at the zoo! Jesus, that must scare the sh*t out of them. And in that vein, how come Ball Buster is an only child? Shouldn't his Catholic rabbit mom be pumping them out every day? And why do I not have any damn elephant friends?!"

Arther then gets up and goes to the kitchen for a snack. He sees a tray of brownies his father has made, and has a couple. But o-ho, Dear Reader, these were some of Dave's special brownies. Before anything can happen though, there is a knock at the door, and behold, it's DW's friend WD, and...  
"JEEEEEEPERS, what is THAT?!" Arthur screams.  
It was a big, grey behemoth, dear readers, it filled up the whole living room. It introduced itself as Maxine, who no one has ever seen her before except WD, and Arthur said "it's sure nice to meet you."  
Meanwhile, WD's mom asked Mrs Read, "what the f-k is wrong with him?"  
But, dear reader, none of it matters, for this is the first time an elephant has made it into Elwood City.

Arthur just stared at the beautiful apparition. "Well, sh*t. I've never had an elephant friend before. What do you guys even eat? Are peanuts good?"  
"Well no, I have a nut allergy," Maxine says.  
"That's understandable," replies Artie. "You like pizza?"  
"Pizza's good," agrees his obese friend. "Maybe we could get some from the Diabetes Bowl and then hit up some laser tag."  
Move over Ball Buster, for Artie Read has a new comrade in arms.

At the Bowl, Artie Effing Read and the Max are on their third pizza, when who should enter but Brain. The bear.  
"Holy effing s-t, Arthur, who's your friend?" And he joins them for a round of beer. And another.

"This beverage eliminates brain cells," the Brain comments. "I have performed numerous experiments on this."  
"Experiment on this!" The drunken Maxine roars, pouring an entire bottle of vodka down Brain's oesophagus.

Arthur and Brain are enjoying the party. "Why haven't we ever tried vodka shots before?" exclaims Arthur.  
"How the f-k should I know?" retorts Maxine. "I drink to forget! I drink to... forget."  
And that, Dear Reader, is the sad story of what happens to most imaginary friends when shit gets real.

* * *

COMING SOON:

CHAPTER ONE - Through the Looking Glass(es)  
The streets of Elwood City are silent tonight. Not even the street corner workers are making sounds. It's almost eerie as we close in on an ordinary quiet house. But dear reader, this is no ordinary house. This is the house of Artie L Read, P.I. Sleeping after a busy day on the case  
But blam, his sidekick WD-40 won't grant him the rest of the dead. "Artie!" She shouts loud enough to wake the neighbourhood. "I've found some f**king evidence to blow this case wide open!"  
"What the sh*t?" A tired Arthur asks as she drags him out of bed downstairs.  
"Look at this f**king album I found in the pedo's home. He's kidnapped now and he's kidnapped before."  
"But that kid... That kid is... Is me?!" A shocked Artie exclaims. "What the f**k?!"


End file.
